Feminism

This is something I wrote a few years ago on another site, and I'm reposting it here.

     Feminist. Feminism.  Those words conjure up a lot of emotion in people. Some consider them fighting words. They dredge up images of ball-busting Femi-Nazis. I've heard women say, "I'm no feminist." Mostly in effort, I think, to distance themselves from that image.
     First off, let me tell you what feminism ISN'T. Feminism isn't about hating men. It isn't about wanting all men castrated. It isn't about putting women above men. It's not about putting men in their place.
     Don't get me wrong. Women like that do exist. I won't deny it. But if that is how you identify yourself as a feminist, then let me be the first to say You're Doing It Wrong, Sister.
     I've entertained feminist thoughts as far back as I can remember. They were further reinforced after I become a mother. So let me tell you what feminism IS.
     Feminism is growing up in a rural area, questioning why it was acceptable and encouraged for women to serve food on plates for men, and then to let them sit at the table and eat first. It is thinking to yourself, how are you better than me? How about we each fix our own plates and sit down and eat together?
     Feminism is realizing that the sexualization (or de-sexualization) of female political candidates is to strip her down to what use she is to a man. To reduce her to the level of being the bearer of a vagina he either would or would not touch. To realize this is done by those who are fearful of the power she represents and has earned.
     Feminism is shutting your mouth firm against what all you have been indoctrinised about what girls should like, when you realize your daughter is happier playing in dirt than with Polly Pockets and wants a Bob the Builder cake for her birthday.  And to stand up for her, if someone calls you on it.
     Feminism is hearing a man say that he thinks women belong at home taking care of the kids and hoping that your daughter is never reduced to that level of thinking when you know she is capable of so much more.
     Feminism is letting both your daughter AND your son take turns mopping the floor and doing the dishes. Because either way, it is not only a useful skill to have when they are an adult and living on their own, but also to create a better husband for your son's future wife.
     Feminism is wondering how a man came to develop the idea that it is ok to get even with a woman for being a tease by sexually assaulting her when she's passed out. Then to assure yourself to work hard to never let your son pick up beliefs such as these.
     Feminism is raising your son to have respect for women and never to let the barbaric thought of hitting a woman or hurting her physically in any way cross his mind. To look down on those who would with disgust.
     Feminism is to encourage your daughter to play football or be on the wrestling team, instead of ballet, if that is where her interests lie.
     Feminism is when you realize that it IS true that a woman has to work twice as hard as a man, with no complaint and less compensation, to earn just a grudging amount of respect. And to KEEP doing it, because it may make things a little easier for your daughter when she grows up.
     Feminism is a dad teaching his daughter how to fix a car or playing basketball with her.
     Feminism is a dad knowing better than to comment on his daughter's weight or appearance so as not to encourage an eating or body image disorder.
     Feminism is a father willing to confront his own indoctrinations about gender and to encourage his children to be their own person and develop their own interests despite what their gender may dictate.
     Feminism is a man willing to be a single dad or a stay at home dad, despite the looks he may get.
     Feminism is a man who shares the responsibility of his children, because he is a parent, not a babysitter.
     Feminism is a man who realizes he married an equal partner, not a second mother to adopt him and take care of him.
     Feminism is a woman appreciating what is often taken for granted, whether it be driving or holding down a job. Because her forbears didn't have that option and paved the way for her to have those things.
     I think most of all, feminism is activism. Activism not just for women, to promote women. But activism to level the playing field. Not just for us, but for our children. And not just for our children, but any of us who are so ballsy, and brash and outspoken that we are willing to rattle the cage.

Catching up

It's been a while since I've done any sort of update. So here's the lowdown.

The Hubster is still working away. The pay is unpredictable at best, and he's considering taking a similar position with a different company. The positive things would be a more predictable (and slightly better) income, and having him home a little more often.  The cons are the insurance isn't too great. He could probably get hired on the spot, we're just trying to build a little financial cushion before he switches.

I'm still a pseudo-single parent. I'm getting better at this, actually. I like having only myself to answer to, and not having to run every single little decision through someone else. It's nice being the boss, except for the times I really NEED a second opinion, and for whatever reason am unable to to reach my hubby.

The downsides to being the primary caretaker are the facts the kids still miss their daddy, and he's better at instilling morals, character and discipline than I am. So when the kids are acting like bratty heathens in a store, I know it's MY fault. Being the parent 24/7 ensures there are going to be times when I'm too tired or emotionally exhausted for disciplinary follow-through. It shows in their behavior. I really need to be stricter and less laissez-faire, but I'm so low-energy and wrung out I just let it go.



The kids will be starting school in about a week, and that gives me about 2 months daily alone time until my school starts. I'm excited to finally get some time to myself. This past month has been hell. I contracted a case of shingles. It took about a week before I realized it wasn't poison ivy and sought treatment for it, so it took longer to get cleared up than it should. Then both kids developed chicken pox from being exposed to shingles.

Between my misery and their illnesses, we'd been pretty much cooped up and quarantined for a month. We've driven each other crazy. So believe me when I say I can't wait for school to start.

I also can't wait for my school to start. I'll be learning massage therapy, but I'll be soaking up some New Age-y stuff in the process. And meeting New Age-y sorts of people. I welcome this as an opportunity to start showing my eclectic/New Age-y side to others.

I'm tired of hiding some of the parts of who I am. It's nice having people like you, but it's miserable when you realize a good many of them wouldn't like you if they knew ALL of you, instead of the side you show them. "This is one little facet of the gem that I am, hope you like it," and knowing that if they saw the whole gem they'd find it flawed.

I'll probably lose some friends and the like and appreciation of some family once the walls start tumbling down. But like a new friend of mine espouses, "Those who matter won't mind, and the ones who mind don't matter."

That's all for now. More to come later.

Love, Actually

So here's the big fat love blog everyone's been waiting for. What do I think about love?


Can people marry, stay true blue, and it be happily ever after until the day they die? It happens, but it's not bloody likely. If you set yourself thinking that's how your marriage is going to be, you're going to be disappointed.

Monogamy is not natural for most people. Serial monogamy works for others.

The more I read about polyamory, the more I agree with it. Can you love more than one person at a time? Absolutely. Do you love your children exactly the same? Do you love your spouse with the same love you have for your parents? No. So therefore, it is quite possible to hold differing amounts of love for different people with no diminishing of the qualities of the other.

It's quite possible to be in love with one person (or more), and in like with others. And that if everyone is grown-up enough about it, to make a love triangle/decagon/tetrahedron, or any other shape they like.

That's pretty much it, in a nutshell. I know that I've led up to this blog like it's some big revelation. I know there's been other blogs I've deleted. I postponed writing this for quite a while.

Most of that had to do with some horror stories some friends of mine shared with me. A lot of new stories I hadn't heard before, shared in a coincidentally recent time frame of each other. Stories that involved beatings, rapes, emotional tortures and various physical abuses inflicted on them by the men they had been involved with, and for reasons circumstantial to each relationship, they were unable to leave.

Those stories shook me to the core and left me wondering where I stood on the issue of love. If these women had suffered through not just these traumas but blatant, rampant cheating, how could I possibly sanction polyamory?

It took a while to sort their traumas from the notion of informed consent. But with time, distance and fresh perspective, I have. 

There may be other sub-topics related to love I may share my thoughts on from time to time, but that's pretty much the bulk of it. I'll likely write more later, but for now, this is enough.