Mis Amigos

I know I'm just setting myself up here, because writing a blog about one's friends (unless it's a wonderfully glowing positive blog), is basically just one terrific way to stir up a shit storm.  That's wonderful if you happen to like fecal matter, not so good if you don't. However, this is the only place I can work out the whirlwind in my head, and figure out exactly where my thoughts lie.

I have a wonderful group of close-knit friends, who are like family to me. I really am blessed by them. But not a one of them truly get me, and I don't know if any of them really care to try.

One has a wonderful, shining image of me that I don't really fit. When he encounters a piece of knowledge about me that he finds unpleasant and doesn't fit the picture in his head, instead of trying to work it in to the puzzle, he simply throws the piece away. Therefore, I remain an untarnished, occasionally perplexing icon.

Another can't get past that our viewpoints on certain issues are radically different and diametrically opposed.  I try to avoid those issues, because I really do value our relationship and I fear the impact of a frank discussion would cause a rift that would be long to heal.

 There are times though that I really get my toes stepped on. Recently I was caught off guard, and had to reduce a topic I feel very passionate about into just one or two key points. The response I got pretty much let me know they hold my very dear beliefs repulsive, repugnant and disgusting.... which I guess that means I am too. They enjoy my company, my personality, but they don't like ME.

It really is a shame, because I love her and enjoy her company, but I can rarely relate anything personal about myself without being dumped upon by the Righteous Bucket O' Judgment, and usually reduced to tears.

One friend is quite similar to me in attitude and beliefs, and appears to enjoy my company. I really think this person could get who I am.  However, this person is very private, and holds little interest in people in general. I could relate any amount of information I want, but receive little information in return. He would be sad if he knew I were upset about something, but in the inner workings of people seem to be rather enigmatic to him, so it wouldn't make a lasting impression.

So basically, when I reveal the real raw me to the people I hold most dear, it is either disregarded, scathingly judged, or has all the impact of a stone skipping upon water.

It rather frustrating, to put it mildly. This past year has revealed to me there is a chasm that runs deep between me and everyone else. And it is filled to the brim with loneliness. I just don't know what to make of it, or why I bother trying.

With that last sentence in mind, it reminds me of two others, whom I know through work. We all relate well to each other and I'd love to consider us all friends. I enjoy their company, and they seem to enjoy mine. But I have these little niggling doubts. I wonder if it's only my perception that we're nearly-friends, or if they're just humoring me.  I never know quite where I stand with either one. 

It would hurt my feelings more to find that someone was just humoring me and tolerating my company, than to be just out-right disliked. Period.

I don't know that my writing this helped me to come to any sort of conclusion regarding anything. But it did serve the purpose of helping me gather all these whirling feelings and thoughts and place them firmly under a mental paperweight. Which at this point, I'll take what I can get.

I nearly bit my tongue in two

I've reached the end of this day in a slightly pissy attitude.  I've been assaulted with some of my pet peeves here recently. Though "pet peeves" is really too light a word.

There are two things that really define me, besides my geekdom.

1.) I root for the underdog.
2. ) I'm allergic to hurting anyone's feelings.

This translates to my being passionate about feminism, civil rights, and LGBT issues. My actions don't always match though, as I'm ultimately lazy.

So anyway, recently a friend confided about being pulled over by the police, and given that there was no real reason, it probably had something to do with his race. Which I was thinking it, even before I was told, and was already angry about it.

Then today at work, a coworker and I were watching a program that featured a gay couple and their children.  He just started raving about how he couldn't watch it, and that it was nasty, he didn't believe in it, etc.

Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there, gritting my teeth. Wondering if I should call him on it, and tell him I find his reaction offensive. To tell him of the many gay and lesbian friends (and some family) I have. Some with children, some without. Some that have been together many years. Some that have been left suicidal because of the uber-religious backgrounds they've come from and feeling there is something fundamentally wrong with themselves but can't change it. And that insensitive louts like him don't help matters.

I ended up doing nothing. I have mixed feelings about it.  On the one hand, I made nice at work. Didn't get into a culture war with a coworker that I rarely have to work with. I didn't hurt his feelings and make him upset by calling attention to his asshat behavior. So I feel a little good about being professional.

On the other hand, most of me is going GAAAAHHHH!!!!  I sat there listening to him trash an issue I'm passionate about!? Maybe he really did need his attitude adjusted, and I could have been the one to do it, but instead I said nothing?  I didn't want to hurt his feelings by calling attention to the fact he was hurting mine? A great deal of me is utterly ashamed at my lack of response.

These are such tricky waters to navigate, and I'm not much of a captain.

So much of me wants to be a balls-out, in-your-face activist. There is a deep vein of fanaticism in me, and I wish I was brave enough to access it. I want to challenge people and stretch boundaries. I want to be a mother that will be a huge embarassment to her children when they are teenagers, but a woman they can be fiercely proud of when they're older.

I want to take outdated attitudes and stand them on their head. To confront other's hang-ups. To be that person that might make you uncomfortable, that might make you angry, but might also make you THINK.

But really? I'm just skeered. People like that are rarely liked and I deeply need to be liked. The families of people like that often experience ostracism. I won't do that to my family. I'm no role-model. I'm just somebody's nearing-middle-age, pasty faced mom.

So I just do what I can do. I ignore things in some settings. Gently correct in other settings. And I love. That is one thing I AM good at. I can find something lovable (or at least sympathetic) in darn near anybody. I leave you with that. Just love.