Not long ago, I found myself angry at someone. It was a misunderstanding, and there’s a working out in progress. But what really fascinates me is my response to my own anger.
I keep feeling the need to apologize, and I understand that part. The part that perplexes me is the fact I feel a near-compulsion to add, “I’m sorry. Don’t mind me. I just get a little pissy and woman-ish sometimes.”
I want to analyze that phrase. A person can be pissed-off, and there is a feel of righteous anger to that word. But to say someone is pissy…. there is a diminishment there. A tone that acknowledges that the person is angry, but that it is an over-reaction.
Woman-ish. That’s the part that really gets me. To restrict an emotion to my gender. There is a stereotypical assumption that women are irrational and not fully in control of themselves sometimes. But it can be a self-fulfilling statement. Girls are not taught how to handle anger. It is unladylike and therefore, unacceptable.
Women don’t express anger. They stuff it down. I can almost guarantee you that if you see a fat woman, you are looking at a woman who has swallowed her anger like chocolate syrup. It can be delicious. But if it becomes a lifelong habit, it is thick and choking and takes a toll on the body.
Now that I think about it, the above paragraph can include overweight people in general. But rather than let myself digress, I want to stick to the analyzation at hand.
When a man is angry, it is rarely questioned. He is angry, which means there is a problem, and a solution must be found. When a woman is angry, she is out of control, and must be dismissed.
A man would not apologize for his anger. “I’m over it. You over it?” “Hell yeah, let’s grab a beer.” Just a simple recognition that a misunderstanding too place, and it’s now water under the bridge.
I don’t want my anger dismissed. I don’t want others to dismiss their own anger. What Would A Man Do? A man would own it. I need to own my anger. You need to own your anger too.
It is hard though. There is a lifetime of accumulated cultural indoctrination (say that three times fast) to battle against. I fight against my own compulsion to dismiss the anger I felt. It involves a stepping out of the perspective of one’s self, to get a clear picture and recognize what one is fighting against.
If you dismiss your emotions, you dismiss yourself. It hurts the soul to be dismissed. So why hurt yourself? Anger is a mirror that shows there is a problem. Anger can be a catalyst to a solution.
It doesn’t have to be a gender issue. Angry women get called bitches. So what? Say it a few times. Roll around in it like a feline in catnip. Sew the Bitch badge on your Girl Scout sash. Wear it around a while and get used to the label. Hurt anymore? Nope? Then good, you own it.
Recognize your emotions. Sounds simple enough, but parents never think to teach their kids this because it seems like one of those obvious things. But I was well into my twenties before I realized a particular emotion was loneliness, that another was wistfulness, and yet another was disappointment. Emotions were a loose ball of yarn that I had to sort out.
Name it. Then own it. Or it owns you.
