Suiting up

I've been mentally reviewing yesterday, and can't come to any decent conclusion about it.

I do need to revisit my raw emotional side sometimes. I can see that this experience is turning me into my mother. I'm quickly seeing why she is the way she is. After my father died and she was left with three young children, she had to be this way.

I spent most of yesterday in a very low funk. It's an honest emotion that comes when I face my realities. I miss my husband. We are living on such a low income I'm consistently surprised with my own resourcefulness at holding us all together. We live on the brink of foreclosure. I work part-time on the weekends, and have absolutely NO free time. Even if I did have free time, I'd have no social life because I can't afford it. I can barely scrape $5 together for gas. I overtax my babysitters as it is, who watch my kids for free while I work.

I even have to face the fact, each and every time my husband leaves for work after his brief home visits, that it may be the last time I see him. Accidents aren't uncommon in his new occupation, and when it does happen, that employee usually ends up going home in a box.

So pretty much, I looked at my realities, and I cried all day. And when my children fought, I would end up rushing out of my room with a tear-streaked face and hauling the offender roughly to their room. Not even sure if they WERE the offending party, but they were disturbing the quiet, and therefore, disturbing ME.

When I attempted to share my feelings with my hubby, he told me it made him worried. When I shared with another friend of mine about how I really feel, I was met with a barrage of jokes, and amusing antics -- the only tactic they know for dealing with unpleasant emotions. To jolly me out of my funk. I appreciated the gesture, but it just left me feeling even more pissy.

There are things that WOULD make me feel better. Surprise visits, someone bringing over a video game and playing it with me, phone calls, offers to babysit, a surprise gift of $20 "just because -- go take yourself out". Just little things, would do a wealth of good to my over-isolated self. But people won't or can't, and I can't deny there are very good reasons why.

So yeah. I eventually had to pull my armor back on, and say, "Butch up, bitch. Your kids need a better mommy than this." I had to pull my armor back on and that's the painful part. Denying my feelings because my children are better off when I'm feeling stable. Denying my feelings because I don't want strangers and acquaintances seeing those cracks in my armor, my red face and teary eyes and asking, "Are you ok?"

I know that wallowing in my emotions does nothing to change my realities. The only thing that can change your realities is taking action. Making a plan and following through on it. I've been setting some plans into motion and I'm hoping that events will end up fortuitous.

I can see why, if I were to share things with my mother, she'd just say, "That's life." Because it IS. Whining about my life won't change things, no matter how much others care about me.

Whining and crying IS cathartic though (and it feels damn good too -- even if it makes you miserable. heh). It helps me to remember that there ARE still emotions under that armor. It reminds me that I'm wearing armor. And it helps me to remember that I'll be able to take it off someday.