Recently, I've been talking a lot with a good friend of mine, who's favorite hobby is making me crack. I've still yet to figure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.
I liken it to this old wooden cupboard that was passed down through several children in my family. It once belonged to my mother when she was little, was passed through some cousins, and eventually worked it's way down to myself, when I was a child.
Each family had repainted it, and by the time it got to me, it was white, and some places were flaking here and there. It wasn't long before I found myself peeling the chipping, flaking paint off, discovering the older layers of paint underneath. It was fascinating and satisfying to pull off strips of paint. To see the original color.
I have been stoic. Steel. Unfliching. Uncommunicative. It's been deeply satisfying to feel her pick at the blemishes of my armor, like strips of sunburned skin. To feel them pulled off and seeing the raw. To get down to the original.
But what do you see when you get there? Misery. In 1970s avocado green.
There's not much that can be done to improve my condition, for the nonce. (That means, "for now". LOL). So I'm not sure if there's a lot of point to share my feelings with anyone. I can feel miserable, but wrapped up in so many layers of armor and distraction I barely notice it, or I can peel open the layers and poke and prod at it and feel how exquisitely miserable I am.
Which is the better option? I don't really know. All I know is I just can't wait till my hubby completes his year long contract, finds a job closer to home, and I get a break. I do apologize for all my blogs being whiny and complaining, but this is the only place I let myself do it. Thanks for sticking around -- I promise you it will pick up!
This post has reminded me of a poem I once wrote though. I think this is the first time I've actually shared it with anyone because I've never considered it publish-worthy. But I digress. Here you go:
Sunburn
Sunburn
is an exquisite pain
causing a sharp throb
with every movement.
So unlike the cold,
who numbs you to sleep.
1998
Friday, October 23, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Just whining
I just needed a safe place to vent, outside of my normal blogging venues.
My big lesson this year, it seems, has been keeping my own counsel. I have to refrain from a lot of social activities, due to a tight budget. I have been having problems with some friends, and betrayals of trust with others, and I'm not able to ask for advice without causing troubles amongst other friends. I have had to keep some of my activities to myself, or risk the judgment of others whose opinions I value dearly.
Due to my husband working away, I have learned from experience I have to watch who I talk to and where I go, for appearances sake. I have to be careful about whom I invite over to visit for the same reason.
All of this is unnatural to me. I'm used to living freely and openly and not giving a damn about what others think or say about me.
I'm not used to living this way. I hate it. I am lonely and frustrated and have no one to turn to, other than the person in the mirror. And she looks unhappy and old and doesn't want to hear me whine anymore.
I've had the cushion of close friends for so long, it's made me comfortable and confident with the idea. Perhaps I should have learned my lesson many years ago and remained the Cat Who Walked Alone.
My big lesson this year, it seems, has been keeping my own counsel. I have to refrain from a lot of social activities, due to a tight budget. I have been having problems with some friends, and betrayals of trust with others, and I'm not able to ask for advice without causing troubles amongst other friends. I have had to keep some of my activities to myself, or risk the judgment of others whose opinions I value dearly.
Due to my husband working away, I have learned from experience I have to watch who I talk to and where I go, for appearances sake. I have to be careful about whom I invite over to visit for the same reason.
All of this is unnatural to me. I'm used to living freely and openly and not giving a damn about what others think or say about me.
I'm not used to living this way. I hate it. I am lonely and frustrated and have no one to turn to, other than the person in the mirror. And she looks unhappy and old and doesn't want to hear me whine anymore.
I've had the cushion of close friends for so long, it's made me comfortable and confident with the idea. Perhaps I should have learned my lesson many years ago and remained the Cat Who Walked Alone.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Places, please.
My goodness, I'm sorry people. It's been forever. I've just been involved in life.
Sort of like how, you think about someone you miss, and realize that because you've been so busy with your own stuff, it's been six months since you've spoken with them. Yeah.
My daughter is adjusting to kindergarten. It has it's ups and downs. Some days she'll talk about best friends. Other days she'll say no one plays with her. She doesn't like the P.E. coach's whistle. She doesn't like school. The bus ride is too long. All these little things, that I want to rush and fix for her. Because I don't know what to tell her.
How can I explain that the reason the kids she knew in preschool, who are in different kindergarten classes that she is, won't play with her? I think it has to do with feeling an inner pressure to only hang out with their own class, and not a kid outside of their class. But she doesn't "get" it.
I want to fix school for her. She has many years of school ahead of her -- too many to start disliking it at such a young age! But, she's never thrown a fit to get out of school. So, I don't know.
********************************
Other new stuff. I auditioned to be the lead singer of a band. I was excited about the opportunity, and it gave me a kick in the butt to make some changes and preparations I needed to make. I didn't get the gig, but it was exciting to step out of my rut for a while. I was glad for the experience and have no regrets about it.
One of the preparations was scheduling a preschool evaluation for my 3 year old son. I need to get a job, and I'd rather have him in preschool than daycare. I wonder how it will go. Part of me wants him to have some sort of unrecognized need, so he can get in and I won't have to pursue day care. There ARE things about him that are a little quirky, and are hard to explain to others. On the other hand, he is such a bright, intelligent boy, that I'm sure they'll say there's no need for it.
So, we'll see. I'll update you all after the evaluation. Ciao ciao.
Sort of like how, you think about someone you miss, and realize that because you've been so busy with your own stuff, it's been six months since you've spoken with them. Yeah.
My daughter is adjusting to kindergarten. It has it's ups and downs. Some days she'll talk about best friends. Other days she'll say no one plays with her. She doesn't like the P.E. coach's whistle. She doesn't like school. The bus ride is too long. All these little things, that I want to rush and fix for her. Because I don't know what to tell her.
How can I explain that the reason the kids she knew in preschool, who are in different kindergarten classes that she is, won't play with her? I think it has to do with feeling an inner pressure to only hang out with their own class, and not a kid outside of their class. But she doesn't "get" it.
I want to fix school for her. She has many years of school ahead of her -- too many to start disliking it at such a young age! But, she's never thrown a fit to get out of school. So, I don't know.
********************************
Other new stuff. I auditioned to be the lead singer of a band. I was excited about the opportunity, and it gave me a kick in the butt to make some changes and preparations I needed to make. I didn't get the gig, but it was exciting to step out of my rut for a while. I was glad for the experience and have no regrets about it.
One of the preparations was scheduling a preschool evaluation for my 3 year old son. I need to get a job, and I'd rather have him in preschool than daycare. I wonder how it will go. Part of me wants him to have some sort of unrecognized need, so he can get in and I won't have to pursue day care. There ARE things about him that are a little quirky, and are hard to explain to others. On the other hand, he is such a bright, intelligent boy, that I'm sure they'll say there's no need for it.
So, we'll see. I'll update you all after the evaluation. Ciao ciao.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Kindergarten Orientation
Today was Kindergarten Orientation day for my daughter. She was happy and surprised with the treat bag in her cubby, but has been less than enchanted as of this point.
She clung to my leg and hid behind me when we entered the classroom. She didn't play with any of the kids, not even the ones she had gone to preschool with the previous year. She kept telling me she wanted to go home. In fact, the only things that interested her were the lollipop in her treat bag, and the little nature walk next to the school. (Actually, that impressed me too! I love our school district!)
But yet, but yet -- progress. I think back to this time last year, when we attended preschool orientation. The teacher and her daddy had to pry my screaming, sobbing daughter off me to stay in the room with the other kids, while I did paperwork. I was shaken and felt like a terrible mother. What was I doing to my baby? How long has she been crying? Maybe I should keep her home another year and skip out on preschool altogether?
Now, I have a predictably nervous, anxious student waiting to go back to school. Oh, don't get me wrong -- the next few weeks will be rough. I predict lots of talking back and tantrums. But I'm growing ever more impressed with my maturing daughter.
She clung to my leg and hid behind me when we entered the classroom. She didn't play with any of the kids, not even the ones she had gone to preschool with the previous year. She kept telling me she wanted to go home. In fact, the only things that interested her were the lollipop in her treat bag, and the little nature walk next to the school. (Actually, that impressed me too! I love our school district!)
But yet, but yet -- progress. I think back to this time last year, when we attended preschool orientation. The teacher and her daddy had to pry my screaming, sobbing daughter off me to stay in the room with the other kids, while I did paperwork. I was shaken and felt like a terrible mother. What was I doing to my baby? How long has she been crying? Maybe I should keep her home another year and skip out on preschool altogether?
Now, I have a predictably nervous, anxious student waiting to go back to school. Oh, don't get me wrong -- the next few weeks will be rough. I predict lots of talking back and tantrums. But I'm growing ever more impressed with my maturing daughter.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Making Lemonade
Today was a day of hitting setbacks, and turning them into opportunities.
My daughter and I had appointments to get haircuts. Afterward, we were going to visit some family. She needs a trim before school starts, and my hair is quickly becoming a mess. I had been looking forward to this appointment, and this whole day, but somehow, time slipped away from me this morning. I found myself running late.
I get the kids quickly dressed and in the car, and head out the driveway. Except I don't. The car gives an almighty jerk, and the power steering goes out. I had to drive without it about a mile, before I could get to a turn around spot. Ever try to turn around a car with no power steering? It's not a challenge for wimps. It really took the fight out of me, and I headed home, cancelled the appointment, and made some phone calls about getting my car looked at.
I had this big day planned, and then suddenly, nothing.
I let the kids play on the computer, and I roamed about the house, looking for something to do. Eventually, I did laundry and cleaned out the car. It had been a big chore I was dreading, but now that I had nothing better to do, I finished the task in about an hour.
So what if the car is messed up? I took the reins and did something productive. That counts for something, right?
My daughter and I had appointments to get haircuts. Afterward, we were going to visit some family. She needs a trim before school starts, and my hair is quickly becoming a mess. I had been looking forward to this appointment, and this whole day, but somehow, time slipped away from me this morning. I found myself running late.
I get the kids quickly dressed and in the car, and head out the driveway. Except I don't. The car gives an almighty jerk, and the power steering goes out. I had to drive without it about a mile, before I could get to a turn around spot. Ever try to turn around a car with no power steering? It's not a challenge for wimps. It really took the fight out of me, and I headed home, cancelled the appointment, and made some phone calls about getting my car looked at.
I had this big day planned, and then suddenly, nothing.
I let the kids play on the computer, and I roamed about the house, looking for something to do. Eventually, I did laundry and cleaned out the car. It had been a big chore I was dreading, but now that I had nothing better to do, I finished the task in about an hour.
So what if the car is messed up? I took the reins and did something productive. That counts for something, right?
The Daddy Figure
Hubby was home over the weekend, and we had a really great visit. What really struck me was just how great a dad he is.
The whole family watched movies on the computer, while lying on our bed. The tickle monster made a brief appearance, and we were all in giggles. He's such a relaxed, fun parent.
He's an excellent teacher. He was patiently coaching my daughter's swimming technique. She can learn from him better than she can from me. My efforts with her end up with us arguing. She listens to daddy, adjusts her form, and laughs. I'll carry the memory and cherish it -- the two of them swimming in Granny's above-ground pool, laughing, coaching and learning.
He rarely loses his patience, and when he does scold the kids, ends up teaching them something. How one person's behavior affects another, or how to work Mommy to get what they want. ha.
I tell him how much he means to us. How much we lean on him and love him. I only hope he really knows it and feels how important he is to us.
The whole family watched movies on the computer, while lying on our bed. The tickle monster made a brief appearance, and we were all in giggles. He's such a relaxed, fun parent.
He's an excellent teacher. He was patiently coaching my daughter's swimming technique. She can learn from him better than she can from me. My efforts with her end up with us arguing. She listens to daddy, adjusts her form, and laughs. I'll carry the memory and cherish it -- the two of them swimming in Granny's above-ground pool, laughing, coaching and learning.
He rarely loses his patience, and when he does scold the kids, ends up teaching them something. How one person's behavior affects another, or how to work Mommy to get what they want. ha.
I tell him how much he means to us. How much we lean on him and love him. I only hope he really knows it and feels how important he is to us.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Adjusting to the New Normal
A lot has happened since my last post, and this one has been a long time coming. Any followers I have will have noted a large time gap. This has been due to the fact I had some problems with my computer, and had to save up for a while to get it fixed.
I am ready now to hit the ground running, and plan on posting much more frequently.
I'm getting used to my husband being gone so much. I've always appreciated how much he has done around the house, but until now, I took it for granted. I can't mow the yard, because a.) the lawn mower is broken, and b.) I can't leave two small children alone in the house for the length of time it would take to mow the yard. So I'm having to rely on family members to mow the lawn for me.
Everyone has busy lives, and I understand this completely. However, the lawn does get out of control sometimes -- once so much that a family of skunks had decided my yard was a terrific residence for them!
Another unique problem is my daughter's behavior. She is a Daddy's Girl through and through. When Hubby leaves after a home visit, she sinks into a funk. Turns hateful. Is a monster to be around. Merciless to her brother. The amount of restraint it takes to be compassionate in the face of such beastly behavior is considerable. She and I will fight and argue, tooth and nail for at least a week after he leaves.
It really is emotionally draining. I've fallen back into some bad habits, as well, trying to deal with the strain. It's hard for me to sleep without my hubby by my side. So I end up playing on the computer until the wee hours of the morning. Trying to bring myself to the brink of exhaustion so I'll sink into sleep more quickly.
The kids will wake me up in the morning, and there I'll be, trying to muddle through my day on 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Then I do it all over again. Day after day after day. Occasionally catching a nap here or there, but mostly just toughing through it.
I guess this catches everyone somewhat up to speed on my life. Hopefully my blogs will be more entertaining from here on out, though!
**Cute story alert**
I was going to put some towels away in the bathroom. I knocked on the door and walked in, only to find my 3 year old son trying to wipe after using the potty. He's usually not one to be much concerned about privacy, so I didn't think much of it. Until he yelled, "Mooom!" in the most exasperated voice. Too cute!
I am ready now to hit the ground running, and plan on posting much more frequently.
I'm getting used to my husband being gone so much. I've always appreciated how much he has done around the house, but until now, I took it for granted. I can't mow the yard, because a.) the lawn mower is broken, and b.) I can't leave two small children alone in the house for the length of time it would take to mow the yard. So I'm having to rely on family members to mow the lawn for me.
Everyone has busy lives, and I understand this completely. However, the lawn does get out of control sometimes -- once so much that a family of skunks had decided my yard was a terrific residence for them!
Another unique problem is my daughter's behavior. She is a Daddy's Girl through and through. When Hubby leaves after a home visit, she sinks into a funk. Turns hateful. Is a monster to be around. Merciless to her brother. The amount of restraint it takes to be compassionate in the face of such beastly behavior is considerable. She and I will fight and argue, tooth and nail for at least a week after he leaves.
It really is emotionally draining. I've fallen back into some bad habits, as well, trying to deal with the strain. It's hard for me to sleep without my hubby by my side. So I end up playing on the computer until the wee hours of the morning. Trying to bring myself to the brink of exhaustion so I'll sink into sleep more quickly.
The kids will wake me up in the morning, and there I'll be, trying to muddle through my day on 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Then I do it all over again. Day after day after day. Occasionally catching a nap here or there, but mostly just toughing through it.
I guess this catches everyone somewhat up to speed on my life. Hopefully my blogs will be more entertaining from here on out, though!
**Cute story alert**
I was going to put some towels away in the bathroom. I knocked on the door and walked in, only to find my 3 year old son trying to wipe after using the potty. He's usually not one to be much concerned about privacy, so I didn't think much of it. Until he yelled, "Mooom!" in the most exasperated voice. Too cute!
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