I know I'm just setting myself up here, because writing a blog about one's friends (unless it's a wonderfully glowing positive blog), is basically just one terrific way to stir up a shit storm. That's wonderful if you happen to like fecal matter, not so good if you don't. However, this is the only place I can work out the whirlwind in my head, and figure out exactly where my thoughts lie.
I have a wonderful group of close-knit friends, who are like family to me. I really am blessed by them. But not a one of them truly get me, and I don't know if any of them really care to try.
One has a wonderful, shining image of me that I don't really fit. When he encounters a piece of knowledge about me that he finds unpleasant and doesn't fit the picture in his head, instead of trying to work it in to the puzzle, he simply throws the piece away. Therefore, I remain an untarnished, occasionally perplexing icon.
Another can't get past that our viewpoints on certain issues are radically different and diametrically opposed. I try to avoid those issues, because I really do value our relationship and I fear the impact of a frank discussion would cause a rift that would be long to heal.
There are times though that I really get my toes stepped on. Recently I was caught off guard, and had to reduce a topic I feel very passionate about into just one or two key points. The response I got pretty much let me know they hold my very dear beliefs repulsive, repugnant and disgusting.... which I guess that means I am too. They enjoy my company, my personality, but they don't like ME.
It really is a shame, because I love her and enjoy her company, but I can rarely relate anything personal about myself without being dumped upon by the Righteous Bucket O' Judgment, and usually reduced to tears.
One friend is quite similar to me in attitude and beliefs, and appears to enjoy my company. I really think this person could get who I am. However, this person is very private, and holds little interest in people in general. I could relate any amount of information I want, but receive little information in return. He would be sad if he knew I were upset about something, but in the inner workings of people seem to be rather enigmatic to him, so it wouldn't make a lasting impression.
So basically, when I reveal the real raw me to the people I hold most dear, it is either disregarded, scathingly judged, or has all the impact of a stone skipping upon water.
It rather frustrating, to put it mildly. This past year has revealed to me there is a chasm that runs deep between me and everyone else. And it is filled to the brim with loneliness. I just don't know what to make of it, or why I bother trying.
With that last sentence in mind, it reminds me of two others, whom I know through work. We all relate well to each other and I'd love to consider us all friends. I enjoy their company, and they seem to enjoy mine. But I have these little niggling doubts. I wonder if it's only my perception that we're nearly-friends, or if they're just humoring me. I never know quite where I stand with either one.
It would hurt my feelings more to find that someone was just humoring me and tolerating my company, than to be just out-right disliked. Period.
I don't know that my writing this helped me to come to any sort of conclusion regarding anything. But it did serve the purpose of helping me gather all these whirling feelings and thoughts and place them firmly under a mental paperweight. Which at this point, I'll take what I can get.
No comments:
Post a Comment