It's a Hard Road

After much discussion, Hubby accepted a job that would have him away from home a lot. If we can put up with this for a year, he will have the experience necessary to find a position in the same line of work, but closer to home, and he would be home much more frequently.

It's just this year we have to put up with.

But this year is hard on both of us. For him, it means a lot of time by himself. He's a very social person and already feels pretty isolated -- and we're only a month or so into this thing!

For me, it means being a semi-single parent. I was somewhat used to the idea already. In his previous occupation, he was gone most of the day, and the kids and I only saw him in the evenings.

It is really tough on me though. Having to be the Mommy and the Daddy. Tightening doorknobs, unclogging toilets, putting oil in the car -- these are all jobs that were his. I'm doing my chores and his. Having to ask family members to mow the lawn, because I can't do it AND watch the kids. It's a two hour job at least, and there is no way I'm leaving the kids in the house to wreak havoc.

I work weekends too, so I have absolutely no break.

I find it relieving to talk about the stresses to my friends. But due to the fact most of them are single, and some of them are single parents, I find it difficult to discuss these things without feeling like a whiny baby.

"I'm looooonely," I wail. Feeling hypocritical, because most of them haven't been in relationships for a while. This is an everyday feeling for them. I feel like they're thinking, "So what? Deal with it! I do!" Even if that's not what they're thinking. I'm projecting.

"This is haaaard." I tell my single parent friends. Thinking that they deal with these circumstances all the time. Feeling I have no right to complain.

When you have so many blessings in your life, it leaves a gaping hole when they're gone. But it doesn't feel right to complain to others that haven't experienced those same sort of blessings in a long time, and it's a matter-of-fact everyday occurance to deal with the circumstances that I'm facing now, that are new to me.

I miss the physical contact with Hubby. I hadn't realized how many times we hugged in day, grabbed hands, or given each other quick pecks on the lips or cheek if we passed each other in the kitchen or hallway.

I mope. I brood. So many times tears sting my eyes, and I will them to fall. But they are stubborn and do not heed me.